Thursday, July 23, 2009

and now a message from DOUCHE BAG

Alright, let me lay down the foundation for you. A long time ago in a far away land, a girl (me) was in a relationship with the ultimate douche bag. Seriously...ULTIMATE DOUCHE BAG. I could write hundreds of blogs about how lame this guy is, but I'll spare you the stories. However, I will spill just a couple now to give you a bit of back ground.

This guy worked on the dock in a department store that shall remain nameless. I worked in the same store and that's how we met. Not long after we met, he did something to his arm and hurt it at work. Yeah, it was more than a sprain. But less than an amputation. But let me tell you....this guy drug that shit out FOOORREEVVVVEEERRRR (think of forever in The Sandlot). And by forever, I mean present time. And this all happened probably like 10 years ago.

One time I kicked him out of my house. Danielle was so happy. And so was the rest of the world apparently. But Danielle told me if I promised her I would not let him back, she'd buy me furniture for my place. I promised and she followed through. But I was a fucktard and let him back. Moral of that story is if your bff bribes you with furniture, your significant other is probably not right for you.

Time passed and I eventually kicked him out for good, laughed like the little people in The Wizard of Oz when the house fell on the Wicked Witch of the West, and got on with my life. I moved back to my "homeland" of Cali, and have been thriving ever since.

Flash forward about 6 1/2 years to this morning. I do my usual morning routine. Play my games on Facebook. Log on to My Space....oh wait a minute. New Message. And it says from: Douche Bag*.

I immediately text Danielle. I'm feeling so floored/amused/shocked/arrogant that I accidentally text her with just "O" when I was trying to say something along the lines of "OMFG CALL ME RIGHT NOW". So I open it, and read the message. Then Danielle calls me. I say, "GUESS WHO FUCKING MYSPACE ME." And she gives me a couple of names of people that I don't hate (because it's too exhausting to hate) but that I don't like as close to hate as possible. Finally I blurt out: "DOUCHE BAG." Danielle's response is classic: ".........SHUT.........UP......" hahahaha! So then I can't stop laughing at her response. And I read it to her because I don't get it. And she doesn't get it.

Later on in the morning she texted me and told me to blog about it because we don't get it. Maybe you can figure this out? It's gotta be a riddle, right?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
To: Tiffany
Date: Jul 23, 2009 2:49 AM
Subject: you wouldn't believe it if you heard it from me.

hi. i have a favor...really requires nothing out of you. but it is a large favor...involving my left arm. and possibly the end of my taking pain killers. let me know if you'll be willing to help. no pressure.

My response was:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Tiffany
Date: Jul 23, 2009 8:45 AM
Subject: RE: you wouldn't believe it if you heard it from me.

what does that even mean? is that like some riddle??

i'm not promising anything, but what do you need?

Input please!!

*not his real name as I am trying to protect MYSELF in case anyone knows this DOUCHE BAG and agrees that I was a fucktard for being involved with him.


Danielle and Mason said...

Ugh. I feel so awful about the furniture thing ... that was just so wrong of me!!!!

Tiffany said...

I think it was awesome. Not wrong and don't ever feel awful for it. I was the dumb ass who needed a beatdown. lol

CoRRiNa said...

Shit, maybe hes an addict and is going thru like intervention or something, u know how they make u tie up loose ends.. maybe hes doing that? I dunno , but what a dumbass.. I hate that out of the blue contact shit. I have had way too many since becoming more active on facebook. Thats partly why i hadnt used my real name on myspace ever, i dont want psychos lookin for me haha! I jsut recently put my real name on like barely 2 weeks ago. why i dunno.

B.O.N.T.I said...

@ corrina could be right abt the intervention thingy but i dont think he's an addict.

he probably wants to make up for all those years he was a douche bag

Tiffany said...

Nope, he wasn't trying to make up for the douchebaggery. He was really trying to get me to help him get a medicinal marijuana club card. hahaha! And moving on...